It's been awhile

Shalom friends, family, random internet readers. In living up to the name of my blog, I truly have been a stranger these last few months. As always, I apologize for my lack of entries, but life in and outside of Israel have been moving at a frantic pace. So in celebration of my return (don’t hold me to any promises), let’s take a trip down memory lane and recap what the hell I’ve been doing with my life over these last few months. Please keep all hands and feet inside, until we’ve come to a complete stop.

As many of you know, I’ve been studying Hebrew at Ulpan Etzion in Jerusalem. In late May, while on break, I journeyed to Tunisia. YES TUNISIA. Now, I know what many of you might be thinking, “What the hell were you doing in Tunisia, and where the hell is it?” Tunisia is a Northern African, Arab country on the Mediterranean Sea, just south of France and Italy. Every year, usually in May, there is a gigantic Jewish festival for Lag B’Omer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lag_B%27Omer) on the small island community of El Djerba. Needless to say, the Jews of Tunisia are not only treated very well by the government (I actually had my picture taken with the minister of tourism at the festival) but are incredibly well respected by the vastly 98% Sunni, Arab Muslim majority. I never felt in danger. During the week leading up to this festival, the island is overwhelmed with Jews mostly from France and Israel. Having been a former French colony, Tunisians speak French and Arabic fluently. I had no problem communicating in French. Many in the tourist areas, hotels, airports, and ancient ruins spoke English. The island even boasts 4 fully kosher hotels which is unheard of in the Arabic world, let alone in most countries outside of Israel. The island looks forward to the Lag B’Omer festival as it’s a cash cow for the locals.


I spent a few days in Tunis, the capital enjoying the ancient Phoenician, Greek, and Roman settlements in nearby Carthage. I was really impressed with how well the ancient ruins were preserved. I visited bathhouses, aqueducts, amphitheatres, and a museum dedicated to Hannibal, the Carthaginian military general, not Anthony Hopkins. A few hours away, in the ancient Roman city of El Jem, there is a perfectly maintained Coliseum, exactly like the one in Rome. I walked all around the site, ascending to the upper levels for a bird’s eye view of the 2,000 year old structure and surrounding town. Also, I pleasantly and surprisingly stumbled upon the only official World War II allied cemetery dedicated to the fallen soldiers who fought against Germany in the Northern African campaign. All of the British, American, and Canadian soldiers who were killed in the various battles in Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, and Egypt, are buried at the cemetery near Carthage. The grounds are well kept with battle site explanations, a chapel, and respectively decorated grave sites, depending on the soldier’s religion. At first, I thought I was back in Normandy at the French WWII cemetery, until my amazing tour guide informed me that ALL of the official WII cemeteries are fashioned in the exact same style. My last few days were spent by the pool or the beach, which were just as warm as and a lot quieter than the beaches in Tel-Aviv.

Upon returning to Israel, I was met with a fury of Hebrew exams which required studying. I finished my 5 months of ulpan, and in my honest, humble opinion, around level Bet, which means I advanced an entire level. My Hebrew speaking and reading skills have advanced amazingly. Although my writing is still very poor, I know that with time, practice, and patience I will master this language eventually. Everyone does sooner or later.

After ulpan ended in June, I was invited to attend a student led trip to Germany and Poland, sponsored by Bar-Illan University. Contrary to popular belief, I initially rejected the idea. I had just finished ulpan, was tired of traveling, wanted to stick around Israel and relax for a few weeks. Well, visiting Germany and Poland have ALWAYS, even more so than Tunisia, been a dream. I couldn’t refuse, especially since the trip was subsidized. So, I said good-bye to my ulpan friends. I could honestly say, I made about 4-5 good friends; they know who they are. I think about them frequently, love them dearly, and wish nothing but success for all who I’ve met at Ulpan Etzion. However, after 5 months of shared living with the same dull atmosphere, I was more than over-due for a change in scenery. My life in Israel would continue after a few weeks in Europe.

Germany and Poland were a real experience. I struggled not just as a Jew, but as a young American. I visited many of the usual sites, castles, art museums, and the rather unusual: Berlin Wall, Check Point Charlie, Auschwitz, Majdanek, and Dacha concentration camps. I participated in a walking tour of Berlin where we learned of various historical sites. The city is well planned; of course not many of the buildings pre-date the allied bombings of WWII. There isn’t much left of the Berlin Wall, but a few sections still stand as a testament to the constrictive life style created under Russian communism. Check Point Charlie would make any American vomit. There are two fake Russian and American soldiers, dressed up in 1950’s style uniforms standing on either side of the East meets West border. For 5 Euros, you can have your picture taken with the “soldiers” and a fake border crossing stamp, like the one they used before the wall fell in 1989, added to your passport. It’s good to see capitalism alive and well in East Berlin.

I think that by the time I had visited Auschwitz, my 3rd camp, I was more or less desensitized to the Shoah and the Nazi war machine. The trip answered some questions but also raised many more. I found Germans to be incredibly polite, pleasant, and apologetic for the destruction they brought to much of the world during the last century. The older generations are completely embarrassed, ashamed and would like nothing more than to move on. The younger generations seemed, and correctly so, far removed from the sins of their forefathers. However, they too understand that no matter how many years pass, Germany will forever have blood on their hands. Poland was a dark, depressing and often backwards country with many lessons yet learned from their past. If Germany was the perpetrator of WWII, then Poland was the collaborator. To no fault of their own, Poland has just recently, within the last 20 years, emerged from 45 years of Soviet oppression. The Polish people, time and time again in my conversations, felt as though they were the only victims of Germany’s war machine. However, many historians would note that most Polish people had no problem “falling into line” with Germany policy. For hundreds of years before the start of WWII, the Polish frontier was the site of many pogroms, or state sponsored purges against Jewish villages. Following the war, Polish citizens led several pogrom against Jews trying to reclaim their lost property. There was a serious economic recession in 1968 that was somehow blamed on the remaining Jews. Does anyone see a pattern here?

After over 2 weeks of starving (it wasn’t easy finding kosher food in Eastern Europe), sleeping in almost a different hotel every night, and traveling, I was ready to return to Israel. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I might be able to post the pics from Tunisia and Europe on my facebook profile (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?). Please feel free to sign up for facebook, (if you don’t already belong) add me as your facebook friend, and then visit my photo section.

So, I’ve been back in Israel for the last month. About 2 weeks ago, I moved 2 hours north to Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu (http://www.seliyahu.org.il/ )near the small and ever so sleepy town of Beit Shean. I’ve gone from city boy to country man. I spend my week learning Hebrew and working, and the work ain’t easy. I wake up at 5 A.M (I used to complain about driving into Everett everyday for 10AM) for synagogue everyday, start work in either the vineyards picking grapes or in the chicken houses feeding the chicks, and finish usually by 1:30 in the afternoon. Not only is the work physically grueling, but I do it on the surface of the sun. The average summer daily temperature is about 105 F everyday. I don’t even bother showering in the morning anyway, just a waste of water. This is a religious kibbutz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_kibbutz ); we pray 3 times a day, strictly keep Shabbat and kosher, and work the land vigorously. This is my home for the next few months. It’s quiet, peaceful, hotter than hell, but filled with loving caring people of all ages.

Ok people, I’m back and ready to blog again, but I can’t do it alone. Please feel free to let me know what you’re thinking about my journal entries, experiences in Israel, how much you miss or don’t miss me, and what your impressions are of Israel. Enjoy the rest of your summers, and we’ll all be in touch soon.

Shalom,

D.

Sexy at 60!

Last week was a typical week by Israeli standards, filled with amazing euphoric highs and depressing, gut wrenching lows. On Wed, we honored the memory of over 22,000 soldiers (and civilians killed in terrorist attacks) killed defending Israel. During Yom HaZikaron, I attended a high school ceremony where students gave speeches and laid wreathes to commemorate the fallen soldiers from the various wars. At 10 AM, every single Israeli, not matter what they're doing, stops at the sound of a loud, eerie siren throughout the country (similar to the same siren heard on Yom HaShoah) signifying 3 minutes of silence. It's just as important as the United States Memorial Day or Veterans Day, but the holiday's sense has more meaning here. Don’t get me wrong, the sacrifices that my grandfather's generation made for the United States in WWII and the Korean War are immense. The entire world is forever in America’s debt for liberating and securing the safety of the World.

In Jerusalem, I can easily walk down the street and bump into Israeli veterans of every single battle from the war for independence in 1948 to the last conflict in Lebanon in the summer of 2006. Having always been a deep lover of history who appreciated numbers, dates, wars, and politics, Israel is a walking, breathing history book. I don’t need to read about Israel’s past, I can see and meet it up close in personal everyday. We’re not talking about George Washington crossing the Delaware River over 230 years ago. We’re talking about events that occurred no more than 60 years ago which continue to shape our lives as Jews, Muslims, Israelis and Palestinians.

On Thursday, we celebrated Israeli’s 60th anniversary known as Yom HaAtzmaut.
We danced, sang, ate at BBQ’s, watched a fire works show, and saw an amazing interactive slide show of Israel’s historical moments. I really felt proud and enjoyed the evening’s festive touch.

I also would like to take a moment and wish all the mothers, especially mine, out there Happy Mother’s Day! We owe so much to you. Thank you for your love and support!

Remembering

Every time I hear that great song by the Byrds, Turn, Turn, Turn, I am reminded of Spring time's purpose in our annual rebirth. In Israel, every spring shortly after Passover, we honor the memory of the 6 million Jews who were killed during the Second World War on Yom HaShoah. At first glimpse this is a "holiday", and I use that word very loosely because there is nothing happy about Yom HaShoah, better fit for the cold, dark, and dreary months of Nov or Dec. Well, it's not that cold in Israel during the late fall months, and upon a further review, Yom HaShoah is perfectly suited for the beautiful rejuvenation of spring.

A few weeks ago, I visited Yad Vashem, the World's foremost museum on the Holocaust dedicated specifically to the Jewish struggle against Hitler and his march to power across Europe. Although I am lucky enough due to many personal and accidental circumstances to not be directly affected by the Holocaust, I used to view the commemoration day as a time to grief. It is after all incredibly horrible what humanity allowed itself to do during those blood-soaked days in-between 1938 and 1945. I am well aware that mass genocide didn’t start of end with the Jewish Holocaust. You need not look any further to the Armenians, Rwandans, Serbs, Albanians, and the current struggle in Darfur. What makes the Holocaust so special and unique is that is the culmination of well over 2,000 years of painful, brutal, and punishing wandering for the Jewish people. It just wasn’t the Holocaust, but the Pogroms through Eastern Europe, the Inquisitions, Crusades, Blood Libels, and Roman expulsion that have shaped the Jewish image of survivors. In fact, the World's Jewish community was forced to deal with many smaller tragedies leading up the Holocaust, but nothing ever began to equate with the Nazi's systematic destruction of an entire people. While I believe the Turks are responsible for genocide against the Armenians, many scholars doubt that genocide ever occurred. There are no SERIOUS academic Holocaust deniers in my opinion. People like David Irving, are peripheral writers who are appropriately labeled as jokers with a subjective anti-Semitic agenda to malign the World's Jewish community and to praise Hitler's 3rd Reich.

So, I shed a few tears for the innocent lives struck down during the Shoah, and I usually watch Schindler's List, one of my all time favorite movies. However, then I get angry, pissed actually. How did we (the Jews) allow this to happen to us, and more importantly why did we ( the human race) allow more atrocities to occur in Yugoslavia, Rwanda, Cambodia, Chile, and on and on and on. I can site genocidal examples all day. The point is why hasn’t the useless United Nations or anyone else for that matter done anything to stop them from re-occurring. I am left feeling a sense of hopelessness for the human race. I think we, and I am included, are indifferent about the struggles of others; we only care about ourselves. As long I have a pay check and food on the table every week, who could ask for anything more? We, humanity, are unable to look beyond the end of our noses to understand, appreciate, and more importantly fight for those who cant fight for themselves, the voiceless weak in the World.

The Shoah as tragic and horrible as it was, gave the Jewish people a voice. I won’t sit and say that without the Holocaust Israel wouldn’t exist. No, that’s baloney. The Balfour Declaration had already allowed Palestine to be carved up among Jews and Arabs long before the Second World War. However, I have to wonder how many Jews needed to die before the World took our cause seriously enough? On Yom HaShoah, I feel alive and I can breathe good clean Israel spring air. This is something too many Jews were never able to do. On Yom HaShoah, I mourn the killing of 6 million but feel proud that we will never allow the world to turn its back on the Jewish people. I will do my part to not only say “Never Again,” but actually do something about it. It’s spring time; the birds are alive, the trees are in bloom and so are the Jewish people.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Since it’s the week of Pesach, life at the ulpan has slowed to a subtle crawl. Many of the students are away celebrating with friends and family either somewhere in Israel, or for the Europeans, London, Paris, Italy, and Berlin. I celebrated Pesach Seder with this nice British family who I met through friends. During these last few weeks, I have been attempting to identity with the upcoming holiday. Truth be told, I didn’t have to search too far. I haven’t felt this free in such a long time. Grant it, it’s rather liberating living one day at a time and studying Hebrew. The hardest decision is where to eat for lunch. The above mention just means I’m lazy and without problems; it doesn’t mean I’m truly free, which is the real meaning of Pesach; the liberation of Egyptian slavery for G-d’s chosen few, the Jews. I am free this year because I don’t have to explain my Judaism to anyone. Last year I had to beg my boss for the 1st 2 days of Passover off. Even though I had plenty of vacation time, I was almost forced to work the 1st two days of chag. It became quickly apparent that I had no future with that company and my patience for life outside of Israel had worn very thin. I will never again feel like an outside when I walk down the street with a kippah (yarmulke) on the top of my head. Issues like these don’t exist in a free Jewish state like Israel, but then again Israel exists because we will never allow the world to turn its back on the Jewish people, NEVER AGAIN. I am blessed to be living in Jerusalem where I can explore Judaism freely with other young Jews my own age.

Over the last few days, I’ve been engaged in more raw, real, intimate conversations with the few students remaining her at Ulpan. In trying to put my finger on the international pulse of Etzion, I have realized some stark, harsh realities about how the world views the United States and its citizens. People whole heartedly acknowledge the amazing gifts the United States have given the World: Madonna, loads of cash in the form of strings attached grants, Levi jeans, and Coca-Cola. However our recent follies in Iraq, the falling dollar, and the image of the obese, lazy, tv dinner eating American trumps all the medical, technological, educational, and theatrical advancements we have produced since our empirical rise shortly after World War II. In talking to some friends from France, Argentina, and Russia, the World really despises us. There is a lot of merit in their blunt, brutally honest criticism of my native land. Our economy is in the middle of a downward, adjustable mortgage interest rate spiral, the dollar is weak, our army is mired in Iraq, and Iran is thumbing its nuclear nose at us. I couldn’t argue with any of these facts, even though it kills me to admit fault and imperfection, but doesn’t every country have issues? We have done so much for the World, probably as much as the Roman Empire had done to the known world during the height of Pax Romana. I shouldn’t have to remind my American readers, but for those few ignorant Europeans who fail to remember a world before the Euro: we liberated Europe no more than 63 years ago, spent countless millions of dollars in rebuilding her, and then spent the next 50 years and countless billions of dollars defending Europe from Soviet aggression. So many medical advancements and scientific research have been accomplished by the United States. We created: the internet, Hollywood (long before WWII), and the first modern democracy/republic. I feel as though much of world not only hopes for the failure of America, each individual country is licking their chops to be the next global super power. The world has benefited so much from our creation, invention, and ideas. Can someone show us a little fuckin gratitude??

I’m not even talking about the Arab world, which despite their oil, I couldn’t give a shit about. I’m talking about Central & Southern America, Europe, and Asia, which for years loved American dollars, the free market trade, and U.S./NATO protection against countless security threats. I have come to the conclusion that the world is a whore who will screw your brains out for a cost, and then screw you over the first chance something better comes around. I don’t know if America’s dominance has climaxed, but let this be a warning to those jealous, brazen new kids on the block: Brazil, China, India, and the E.U: what comes around goes around, and you too will be loved and then left.

Duck and Cover

Shalom Kulom,

All is well here live from Jerusalem.

Lately, I have been finding myself connecting to the American, British, and larger Anglo-speaking community in Israel and greater Jerusalem. Thanks to my friend Richard, from Manchester/London, I have been introduced to many, new lovely English speaking Israelis, most olim chadashim. It's a breath of fresh air to be surrounded by native English speakers many of whom are highly observant. Over the last few Shabbatot, I haven’t had to explain my observant lifestyle nor have I had to explain, interpret, or translate my thoughts and ideas into Hebrew. It’s a pleasant distraction from my non-stop Hebrew speaking, learning environment.

As previously noted, many of my new acquaintances are religious which provide a nice, different reassuring atmosphere. With all due respect, this is Israel and Jerusalem of all places, where it seems most Jews are dati (observant) to some extent. However, at Ulpan Etzion, that’s just simply not that case. I have had to explain, defend, or fight for my religion at every junction so far. I thought living here would finally offer me a chance to be among Jews who understood Judaism. Instead of being comfortable on Shabbos, I am made to feel like the outsider. I have consistently met road blocks in regards to people :watching the football match on tv during Shabbat dinner, listening to loud music, running computers, playing guitars and pianos in public areas such as the Heder Ochal (dinning room area), and people who fail to acknowledge the sanctity of Kiddish by refusing to stand and wait for us to eat. I am having nightmare like visions of trying to keep my room and general living quarters kosher for Peasch, which require even stricter standards during the 7 or 8 day upcoming holiday.

Now most would say, “David it’s unfair, unreasonable, and borderline offensive to expect others to conform to your religious standards. Israel is a democracy and religion is a free choice.” I couldn’t agree more with those statements. I wasn’t always shomer Shabbat. There was a very distinct time a few years ago when I would drive on Shabbat, turn lights on, and watch the Sox game on Friday nights.

However, I always respected and even elevated my personal religious behavior around those more observant so as to not offend anyone. Is it absurd to expect the same in Jerusalem of all places? I can’t nor would want to control what others do in the privacy of their own rooms, but there must be a code of conduct in public ulpan areas. I beg those around, out of common respect not for me but for themselves and their own Jewish history, to be more thoughtful before they answer a cell phone, play their trumpet, or watch Eyes Wide Shut in common areas during Shabbos.

In other news, I spent last Shabbat, compared to most of my other ones, on a beautiful religious kibbutz up north in Bet Shean. I couldn’t get over just how peaceful life seemed for the members. The kibbutz was filled with some of the most gorgeous vegetation, colorful tress and plants I had never seen before. I could see myself retiring or even raising a family on one of these kibbutzes. Families feel comfortable to allow their children to play outside in the countryside, leave their doors open on Shabbat so neighbors can visit, and leave the windows unlocked at nights. Kibbutzism are no longer a hippy commune-fest but rather a serious adventure in free capitalism enterprise with various precise industries. If you're interested in learning more about the kibbutz movement, which many believe helped build Israel up from the ground during the early days of the county between 1880-1930; feel free to visit the wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kibbutz

As previously mentioned, this Saturday at sundown marks the beginning of Pesach or Passover, the Jewish holiday commemorateing the Israelite’s mass exodus from the Egyptian slavery into our desert freedom. I have already purchased my kosher for Passover food/health supplies, which were so much easier this year, and I will begin cleaning my room in search of chametz (forbidden bread products) tomorrow. For more information on Passover/Pesach, please feel free to visit the wikipedia site for holiday details : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passover. With the next two weeks off from school, I hope to study more, see a few movies, catch up on my non-Hebrew reading, and visit some museums. More details to follow as the holiday comes closer!

Last week, in preparation for any potential national emergency, we had an air raid drill. Yes, you read my words correctly. We had a fuckin air raid! For some of my older readers, you may or may not remember the good old duck and cover air raid drills under your school desk in the 1950's and 1960's. Apparently, this was the only civil deterrence we had against Soviets if they every decided to drop “the big one” on the U.S. We had an army spokeswoman inform us what to do in case of an “Earthquake,” but we all knew what they meant: Syrian and Iranian missile attacks which may or may not include chemical, nuclear, or biological warfare. Don’t worry; the government hopes to disperse gas masks to the entire civilian population by 2010. Welcome to Israel!

Chag Samech everyone,

David

License to Drive and Ladies Night!

Shalom in the home!

Well, its' been far too long since I've last written to everyone. It’s time for a general recap.

Last week, while most of my fellow students were on an organized tiyul (trip) to the Negev (desert) in the south, I rented a car and drove up north to Tzfat and Tiberais for Shabbat. It was a very restful, relaxing 2 days. After Shabbat was over, I drove south on route 90 (which reminded me of the good, old, unreliable Mass turnpike) from the beautiful spiritual Golan region towards Eliat. Along the way, I cut through the small, Arab Israeli villages in the West Bank. It was a little nerve-racking to see signs for Ramallah and Jericho, but the highways are under Israeli control and army protection. You can tell the difference between Israeli cars and Palestinian cars by the color of the license plats, and I saw many yellow Israeli I.D. plates as well as the green Palestinian Arab ones. As I drove south, I could see the Dead Sea, the lowest point in the world, all along the left-hand side of my car. I've been blessed to witness many man-made and G-d made wonders throughout the world during my young life, but the desert sunset overlooking the Dead Sea adjacent to the Judean Hills was among some of the most amazing scenery I've ever encountered. After almost 3 months, I really missed driving on my own. Maneuvering around a crowded city like Jerusalem wasn’t easy, but the lonely one line road to Eliat was dangerous (very curvy and unpredictable) but not heavily traveled. The 6 hour drive was therapeutic and quiet. At the end of my journey, I had literally driven from the northern border to the southern border. I felt like Corey Haim and Corey Feldmen in License to Drive.

Once in Eliat, I met up with some British friends. We sat by the beach (Red Sea), soaked in the sun (received a little burn), swam a little, visited the aquarium, ate really well at a sushi restaurant and a delicious steak house (all kosher), and even drove to the Jordian and Egyptian borders. At night, I could see the coastal lights of Egypt, Jordan, Israel, and even Saudi Arabia off in the distance. The weather was hot (even the nights) but the water was still a little on the cool side. Eliat is very much a resort town, where the Israeli gov't has coincidently decided to void all sales taxes within the city. In the summer, it's hotter than Miami and filled with tourists but in the winter, it's a pleasant weekend get away for many European visitors.

This week was more or less a half week, with the trip and up-coming Purim festival http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purim. Please feel free to visit the linked website to learn more about Purim, the celebrations, and miracle of Jewish survival. At Ulpan Etzion, we had our own pre-Purim party where I went all out. I dressed in drag, as Ms. Marilyn Monroe, and I invite everyone to see the pictures of me at my facebook profile at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506951945 . Just click on photos of me, and you'll have a guaranteed good laugh. Purim is a three day holiday this year, with Shabbat mixed in the middle.

For Shabbos, two of my ulpan friends, Sam from Boston and Richard from London, walked to the Western Wall in the Old city and enjoyed a really crazy, wild prayer service with Hasidic Yeshiva students. We saw thousands of men, dressed up in dark, black, suits dancing and screaming in prayer to the Almighty, as sweat pours off their body in 80 degree temperatures. I had a sports jacket on and felt rather warm. Afterwards, we were invited to the most amazing Shabbos meal at this random family's house in the German Colony. Basically, since the Western Wall is the holies site in Judaism, Jews from all over the World come to pray here on Shabbat. Many of us are single or from out of town with no place to eat. This real mensche named Jeff Sidel always finds a place for me, and whoever else needs a dinner, after services. He's been doing this wonderful act of kindness now for many years. Everyone knows about him and his real generous work. We walked for about 30 minutes but were properly rewarded when we reached the family's home. None of us knew the family, but they turned out to have the most delicious Shabbos meal, with really moist salmon, delicious wine, spicy Chinese style chicken, and so many side dishes. For dessert, we were treated to 18 year old Scotch and yummy cakes over games of chess, poker, while schmoozing with other various guests. We met some really friendly and well connected people from all over J'lem and Israel that night. Needless to say, the neighborhood was very posh. I was very impressed and very much appreciative to this American-Israeli family who opened up their home to me and several other strangers.


Well, I now have the travel bug and party vibe, but it's back to studying. We have a lot of hard work ahead of exams before Peasch (Passover holiday in 3 more weeks), and I feel my Hebrew progressing. There are certain things I feel comfortable speaking about in Hebrew. Sometimes I can hold an entire 20 minutes conversation with a few mistakes, while other times I need to ask for help or have a hard time finding the right words. On Shabbos afternoon, a few of us were invited to a mutual friend's flat for lunch. Many of the guests were Israeli so I was forced to talk (or try at least) to chat in Hebrew. The more I force myself and make mistakes, the more comfortable I become and the more I learn through social situations. I learn the material in class, try it out on the streets, make mistakes, and eventually mix the right words/phrases and grammar in through social interactions with Israelis.

Well I'd like to wish Chag Samech to all my Jewish friends and a Happy Easter to all my Christian friends back home. Friday was Good Friday, and during Shabbat services at the Kotel (Western Wall), thousands of Christian Pilgrims were in town to walk down Via Dolorosa to re-enact the Stations of the Cross. It's nice to see all three religions acting well towards each other for a change. It's been calm around here lately; I hope is stays that way.

So, please keep me informed of what's going on in all of your lives! I want to know who's pregnant, engaged, getting a divorce, G-d forbid dead, graduating, or enjoying a vacation/ mile-stone in their life. JUST BECAUSE I'M A STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND DOESN'T MEAN MY LOYAL FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND SEEDY ONLINE READERS HAVE TO BE. Please feel free to email me at Mountdew2891@aol.com

L'hitarot,

David

The bitch just wont die

As I wait for my delicious kosher Burger Barn hamburger to be delivered, I will entertain you, my reading audience, about several observations I have made recently about life in Israel and the United States.

Over the weekend, I spent a beautiful Shabbat in Haifa, a city in the North of Israel. Now, I haven't been in Haifa for almost 3 years, and it the city was just as amazing as I last remembered. Situated right on the cost, Haifa's majestic hills overlook most of the Golan and Galilee. I spent Shabbat with friends and various other acquaintances, many of them soldiers or soon to be soldiers. We sat around, schmoozed, ate, and relaxed. Now let me just start by saying that these fine young men and women are the backbone of Israeli society. Upon the completion of high school, they give 2-3 years, and sometimes even more, of their lives for the sake of Israeli security and defense. For most, it's not even an issue, although many wish they didn't have to serve, it's part of the national psyche that matures young adults and makes Israelis Israeli. I don’t have to educate my reading public on why there is a mandatory draft every year for all healthy, able minded and bodied 18 year olds. The World around us is a scary place. If we didn’t defend ourselves, who would? As long as Israel is surrounded by potential enemies (Lebanon, Syria, Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas, and Fattah), there will always be a call for an annual draft.

It's important to also consider what the army does for young Israelis; in short, conscription matures children into adults. I meet Israelis my age all the time, who don’t seem 23 or 25. They fool me for much older. Now, not all of these soldiers are battle scared veterans fresh form the front lines. Many had respectable desk jobs. It's not just bullets and landmines. Sadly, for Israelis the last 60 years have been met with 6 wars, 2 Entifadas, and countless counter-terrorism operations, all which offer constant reminders of who we are and what we need to be: a civilian army on call at all times. Although the army is first and foremost an army, it's the best socio-economic equalizer in Israel. On induction day, nobody cares if you're Sephardic (a Jew of Spanish origins), Ashkenazi (a Jew of Eastern European origins), poor, rich, a Sabra (native born Israeli),or oleh (immigrant to Israel). After the army service, many Israelis travel the world, India, Europe, the United States, and relax for awhile before entering the university. Throughout the years, men, and sometimes women, are called up for reserve duty exercises, which are like a high school reunion where they reconnect with friends from years ago. I see it all the time. In my wonderings around Jerusalem, I come across old friends running up to embrace each other months, and years after their service ended. For Israelis, the soldiers you meet in the army are your life-long friends. When you interview for a job, the 3rd question by an employer is ALWAYS, "What unit did you serve in?" If you didn’t dedicate at least some part of your life, towards the armed services, you better dam well have a good explanation. For better of for worse, but definitely not by Israeli design, the army has shaped Israel and Israelis. It's stitched into the fabric of this Jewish country's identity. The only real question is how this does, if it does at all, affect me???

In other news, apparently Hillary Clinton won big last night to remain alive for another day of fighting in the Democratic Primary. I was surprised, hell shocked that Mr. Hussein didn’t finish her off, once and for all. Not that I don’t like Clinton, I actually voted for her before I left, but she hasn’t done very well lately, Many, including myself, figured her campaign was dead in the water. I guess the bitch just wont die. I'd call her the comeback kid, but her husband already received that title with all the coming he did on the campaign trail back in 92. Regardless, the Democratic Party better get their ass in gear and soon because half the party supports Obama, half supports Clinton, and together I don’t think they could beat grandpa McCain right now.

Footloose and Fancy Free with Sushi!

Well, welcome to another Yom Reshion (Sunday, or literally first day). Classes were fine today. I keep plugging away on the future and past tense. I have resolved myself to begin a flash card collection or every word and every verb I learn; it could be interesting. After lunch, various spokesmen and women visited the ulpan to discuss the exciting volunteer options in the community. I decided to help make Mishloach Manot (food baskets) during Purim http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purim for needy families.

The last 2 weeks have had some particular points of interest worth noting. Last Thursday, I had my first Valentine's Day outside of the U.S. since I studied in France. Well, those who can love do, and those who can't speed date. My friend from the Merkez ( a quasi Jewish absorption center) begged me to join her speed dating event since I was A) American and B) a male, I fit the necessary requirements. Apparently there were a lot of American women in attendance and not very many men had signed up. I wasn't promised anything except all the wine I could drink. It's a good thing there was wine because it was the longest 1.5 hours of my life. Although I'm no super model, I must have met every over-weight Orthodox girl Jerusalem had to offer. I found the entire evening rather amusing. I wonder why Jews participate in speeding or other dating services like J-Date in Israel? I mean I have enjoyed some marginal success off of J-date, but that was back in the United State of Goyim. How does one have trouble finding nice young, old, men, women, gay, straight, single, Jews here? It's friggin Israel. That's like trying to find a Knick's fan at Madison Square Garden; it shouldn't be very difficult. Although the Knick's suck this year, so maybe in retrospect it would be difficult, but you understand my point. The entire country is crawling with Jews. You can't walk to the supermarket without accidentally tripping over a minyan (10 adult male Jews).


Shabbat was the usual calm 25 hours at Ulpan Etzion. I have noticed a few interesting and annoying tendencies among my ulpan students during Shabbat. Every Friday night and Saturday morning we make Kiddush (we bless the Sabbath's holiness over a cup of wine). Traditionally, you're not supposed to eat until Kiddush (the blessing over the wine) and Hamotzi (the blessing over the Challhot/ 2 loaves of bread) have been made. Now, I don’t get too angry at those who don’t know any better. Some of us are ethnically Jewish while others of us are more religiously Jewish. It's important to remember that Judaism doesn’t make a distinction between those ethnically Jewish by blood, those who converted, those who are outwardly observant and those who have never been to a synagogue before in their lives; in short a Jew is a Jew regardless of their personal story. However, I do become upset when there are people who dam well know you dont eat before kiddush and hamotzi have been made, and they sit down and eat right in front as to say, " I dont give a shit about your stupid traditions." Well moron, they're your traditions too, and you can feel free to honor them anytime you understand and respect our faith well enough. This leads me to discuss what Israel is and what Judaism means to me, but I'll spare you that rant for another time.


Last week it snowed on Wed, and unlike last month's blizzard, we only had classes delayed until 11AM when only 7 students showed up to class. On Tuesday, I would have made my emma (mother) very happy when I finally had my hair cut. Now in Israel, just as the U.S., I only carry credit card on me. Even before a single strain of hair was cut off of my head, I reached for my credit card and the stylist politely informed that I could easily pay tomorrow since the machine was down. Where in the world can you pay for a hair cut the day after?? Later that evening, Gersand and I went out for the most delicious sushi dinner you could imagine. It was a pleasant change in our diets as we are used to the prison food at Ulpan Etzion. I lost count of how many maki rolls I ate.


On Wed, we saw a movie titled Hesder which describes the trials and tribulations of a religious unit in the army. Most soliders, like most Israelis, are secular and Judaism is just a distant after thought for them. Religious young men receive deferments or flat out exemptions from serving due to their observant status. Instead of serving the usual mandatory 2 1/2 years, they attend yeshivot (religious academies). Some brave and well-rounded individuals chose to balance their religious studies with military obligation even though it's not necessary. I must say that I admire their personal obligation to country with their individual need to learn more about G-d.


Last Thursday, several Ulpan Etzion students, including myself, attended the annual Jerusalem Winter Ball. We dressed up, ate well, drank a ton, and danced the night away all to benefit homeless teenagers. I took Gemma, my darling Londoner, as my date, and we had the absolute time of our lives. I was a bit of a dancing machine, and anyone who knows how I act at weddings, proms, Bar Mitzvahs, or Dancing with the Star's tryouts is well aware of my swing, hip-hop, and Charleston moves. Needless to say, I can cut a rug in a tight situation. I met a lot of interesting individuals; there were many dati (religious) couples and singles. My favorite awkward situation of the night was seeing this one rather young, attractive, woman bumping and grinding like her sluty life depended on it out on the dance floor. I started dancing with her, and as I grabbed her hand, in a polite non-threatening manner, she screamed that she was shomer nagia (doesn’t touch members of the opposite sex). Well, it's hard to believe that the way she was dressed in her hot, low cut number and screw me heals. Regardless, the food was delicious, the drinks filled with alcohol, and the music didn’t stop until they kicked us out close to 4 AM. I haven't had that much fun since my sister's wedding. Shear madness!!

On Friday, I recovered from the Winter Ball and finally met my adopted Shabbat family for dinner. Matt, originally from LA is a massage therapist and his wife, Lewly is a lovely stay at home mother, originally from Buenos Aires, Argentina. Remember, half of Israelis are from somewhere else in the World. Together, they have two of the cutest little girls, one 2 months old, and the other is 2 year old. The mother speaks, Spanish, Hebrew, and English to the oldest, and the litttle chica understands all three languages so well. I was jealous.

So it's been awhile friends and family. I've been in Israel almost 2 months now, and I'm starting to really feel at home here. Don’t you be strangers! Email me with all your lovely words. Attached below is my brand new Facebook link: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506951945 where you can see some pictures of me studying. If you scroll down to posted items, you can see the J-Ball pictures as well.

Shavua tov (Have a great week)

David

Motsei Shabbat Blues and Pussy Galore

I am trying to sit down after supper for some work. There are so many pleasant distractions around here raging from football, taking a nap, reading a book, socializing, and I suppose homework too. I've been trying to sit down all week and write, but one event after another has kept me busy. Yesterday I finally went to the canyon (mall) for some Hebrew literature books.

Earlier in the week, I was just so physically exhausted, and I couldn’t explain why. I didn’t receive much sleep last week and perhaps it finally caught up with me. I find that the week really drags after Shabbat. I feel a real spiritual drag when Shabbos ends on Saturday night. Perhaps I am so used to not having work or school on Sunday. The Israeli weekend hasn't caught up with me yet. It's great having all day Friday off, but I want my Sunday's back too!

So it's about time I write about the incredible feline problem Israel has. During the British occupation in between the World Wars, apparently Israel had a serious rodent problem. The English imported thousands of cats to address the issue, although we no longer have vermin, a few thousands cats have gradually multiplied into hundreds of thousands of loud, annoying, occasionally diseased, but often cute cats. As I sit here typing, the computer room has been infiltrated by the most beautiful yet annoying black cat. These cats cry and scream for hours especially when they're hungry or in heat. We could have used some serious public service announcement from good old Bob Barker in this part of the world because most Israelis just don’t care about the insane over breading of cats.

Last week we saw a film that concentrated on the 2000 Israeli pullout from Lebanon. The film focused on several Israel soldiers saga pertaining to the final days of our occupation in extreme southern Lebanon. For those of you who don’t know, Israel occupied southern Lebanon between 1982-2000 as a means to combat the PLO (Palestinian Liberation Organization) and then eventually against Hezbollah from using southern Lebanon as a launching pad for attacks into northern Israel. The movie shows how even the hardest of Israeli soldiers can question their mission and their country's objectives in the on-going war in international terrorism.

After the film one of our residents, (we'll call her Patty Peacenik) said, and I quote, "I want to go to Lebanon so that I may help the Lebanese people and create an open dialogue with Hezbollah." My chin almost dropped when I heard this. How fuckin stupid do you need to be and or want to be to visit Lebanon? Do you really want to be friends with terrorists who have publicly vowed to destroy the very state we have decided to stake our future on? How do you intend to arrive in Beirut with your Israeli passport or your American passport filled with Israeli stamps and visas? Last time I checked Israelis and even non-citizens who have Israelis stamps were forbidden entry into a half dozen of Arab/Muslim countries including Lebanon. Also, Israel has disallowed all of its citizens from entering the Hezbollah controlled and Syrian backed terrorist state. These bastards want me dead because I am an Israeli, Jew, American, supporter of Westernized culture, free trade and democracy. Patty Peace At All Costs wants to give back everything we have fought and died for over the last 60 years for a peace that still isn’t guaranteed. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to vote for relinquishing even one inch of land before those sons of bitches disarm, control their heathen savage animalistic behavior and curtail rocket attacks. I’m not just talking about Hezbollah but those crazy jihad lovers to the West, Gaza’s Palestinians. The 1960's ended a long time, and sadly the global fight against radical Islam started not that long ago. I am not interested in sitting down with criminals, passing the hash pipe, and singing Kumbaya. I don’t want to hug these less than civilized individuals, nor do I want to give them my children’s future land or sense of security. We all want peace but at what costs? Hezbollah doesn’t want peace, and they most certainly don’t want to recognize a Jewish Israel, not at least anytime soon. If we negotiate with mass murderers, we weaken this state. I don’t know when the Patty Peaceniks of the world will understand this, but I hope it’s before they give up everything that makes this state so amazing, so Jewish, so ours.

Misplace a cell phone, gain a friend

I must apologize for the lack of blog entries lately. Life here at good old Ulpan Etzion has been hectic. During one of our snowball fights, I think I lost my cell phone. I have since found it, but for anyone trying to reach me, all is well, and there is no need to worry. On Thursday, several of us went out to Izen (a loud, obnoxious bar) for the 3rd and final time. I can’t stand that place. Yes the music is fine, but the drinks are ridiculously expensive, there is no place to dance, every sweaty disgusting Israeli guy tries picking up on your girlfriends, and the walk back is too far. In short, Izen is where fun goes to die. I spent a very quiet and restful Shabbat at the ulpan. Since a few of us are shomer-Shabbos ( we don’t do any form of work) there aren’t always a lot of activities for us. We played UNO (yes that annoying juvenile card game with the numbers and colors) for about 3 hours on Friday night. We just chatted and made fun of each other’s countries: England, France, and the United States.

Saturday night was an interesting night. Samuel, the other Boston guy, left his cartise (credit card) at Izen on Thursday night and we returned trying to hopefully find the card. We stayed for a drink, and one drink turned into 3 which become 7 and so forth. I found it odd that so many Israelis go out on Saturday night when they have to work in the morning. Samuel and I spoke some Hebrew. We had a nice, chill, no drama evening trying to pick up Israeli women.

On Monday, I battled the ulpan bitch, who shall remain nameless. Apparently I had yet to pay Ulpan Etzion’s rent fee. Life is crazy busy here. All the banks and businesses were closed during the great blizzard last week, and I don’t always have time to stop what I’m doing. Needless to say, I didn’t appreciate her tactless, Israeli way of communication, and I told her to kindly tone down her rhetoric. I spent most of Monday running around, trying to finalize my payment. I even left class 20 minutes early and arrived at lunch late. After she received my payment, we all kissed and made up. I refuse to be treated differently because I am an oleh chadash. Israelis wouldn’t dare expect other Israeli to run around like a fool. You’ll receive the money when I have the money and that’s only after my heater and toilet are working well and the food tastes better. Life is funny over here. There are 2 systems to live by: the official system which is supposed to be followed and the defacto, social system which trumps anything in writing. Nothing is finalized or edged in stone. One official from the governmental, bank, army, ulpan, or whatever agency might say one thing, and then tomorrow a different person says something completely different. Both aren’t true and sometimes both are correct. Who do you believe? Well, you learn to sift through the bullshit. Sometimes what’s in writing is golden while some other rules, laws, fees, or policies are negotiable. It makes for a complicated but never dull existence.

Hebrew classes are going very well this week. I am focused, as always, on learning verbs and slowly increasing my vocabulary. I have seen a slight but noticeable improvement in knowledge and even pronunciation. I really love most of the people here. I am distant from only a few groups: the Russians, external students (who study here but live outside the area), and Israelis who don’t live here at all. I feel as though I need to adventure out of the ulpan towards the city center more where I can speak more Hebrew with Israelis and explore all that the city has to offer.

The following is a true, but slightly non-kosher story.

Now, as previously noted, Ulpan Etzion is a very eclectic Hebrew learning institution where students from all backgrounds gather to absorb and assimilate into Israel society. I am about to sound like a complete snobbish, elitist asshole, but I have noticed that many people hale from slightly hmm less civilized societies where many Westernized customs don’t exist. Many residents here don’t understand proper dinning room etiquette (It’s never acceptable to ask for a glass of milk during a meat dinner, and on Shabbat!!) or washroom niceties. Case in point, the bathroom below us is disgusting. Several students haven’t been properly disposing of waste. I find urine on the toilet seats and fecal matter in the waste baskets all the time. I don’t have a clue who is doing this because apparently it’s a normal minhag (traditional custom) in Brazil, Russia, and Ethiopia. This needs to stop like yesterday. I never thought the day would occur when I needed to explain to grown men in 2008 that waste must be put into and flushed down the toilet. Most of us are civilized and rather cultural. I have met amazing individuals like Steven who was an optometrist in South Africa or Francisco who was a lawyer in Brazil. Recently I have begun talking to this really sweet French girl named Gersand who works with art.

I must just briefly express my appreciation but disappointment in the Super Bowl. Obviously, by now we all know that my beloved New England Patriots lost to the New York Giants. I was extremely impressed with the Giants defense. I think in the off-season we must invest in some younger, stronger, faster safeties, linebackers, nose-tackles, and cornerbacks. We didn’t play poorly but our defense let us done when we need it the most. Spring training is only 2 weeks away!!

Alright ladies and gents: Stay tuned because I have so much more I want to write about. I’ll try and post before Shabbat, but if not Shabbat Shalom.

David

Hell Freezes over, or at least Jerusalem.

As I sit in the comfort of my room, I can hear children (some of our ulpan students as well) playing outside in Jerusalem's 1st snowfall since last March. Blizzards (all 2 1/2 inches of wet, icy slush) are a rare occurrence in this part of the world. Apparently this” storm of the century" blew down off the Balkans earlier yesterday causing snow in Athens and Istanbul. In preparation of our snow day, we threw a little hamiesba (party) last night. Some of us indulged in a few too many sprits, and I kept walking in on an Argentinean dude and French chick playing hide the blintz outside my room. Names will not be mentioned but only because I don’t know who they were. Around midnight, it began snowing at a decent clip, and we all ran outside for a snowball fight. Since I fell about 3 times, my clothes were socked from head to toe. I haven’t had that much fun in a long time. Now, I grew up in Boston. I've seen my fair share of winter weather. I can vividly remember poor channel 4's Shelby Scott giving us Nor’easter updates on the beaches of Scituate. If you scroll down to one of my first blogs, I bitched and moan about the weather in Boston, but it's hard to believe I am living with people who have never seen snow before. We have one girl from Venezuela and another fellow from Australia who were as giddy as school children on a field trip. I just shrugged my shoulders but enjoyed their delight. It was a rather beautiful site to see Jerusalem covered in pure white; there's something holy about the entire scene.

In other non-meteorological news, my woes with the Hebrew language have been well documented lately. I have had some internal-struggles deciding to stay in my current Hebrew ulpan class or drop down a level. At times, I feel as though I lack a few fundamentals that Aleph Echad could provide, but after attending a class in that section, there was no way in hell I was remaining. Now, I am not above dropping down a level. If it's what's best for me, then I would gladly do whatever it takes to master this beast of a language, but I can already read, write, and speak some Hebrew. After a week of busting my ass, seeking extra help, talking to people, and a lot of deep prayer, I am beginning to understand the various verb tenses. I find its best not to become obsessed with grammatical rules and just try speaking with the idea that I'll make mistakes and people will correct me. I've never backed down from a fight, and I'm not about to start now. I won’t be challenged in the lower level. I'd rather be a weaker student in a stronger class than a stronger student in a weaker class. My pronunciation is slowly improving, and I am gaining confidence. Stay tuned for more developments.

As previously mentioned, I have "studied abroad before,” and although this isn’t a semester abroad (it's real life this time), I find some striking similarities between both experiences. I met some really wonderful people back in France, and so far the quality of people seems to have followed me to Israel. Everyday is filled with a new adventure as I learn more about Israel and the people at Ulpan Etzion. I try to meet and understand as many different people as possible. I love the Brits partly because we almost speak the same language. I have begun using such words as shoddy, pisser, minger, suspect, peculiar, and odd. It's hard to believe they taught us Americans how to speak English. There's this "one bloke" named Josh from Glasgow. He's a real interesting individual, but I struggle with his strong Scottish accent. Then, we have the lovely lighter accent of Talya from Leeds which isn't to be confused with the delightful London dialect of Tal who's become a rather resourceful study buddy. She's in a class 2 levels above me, and her mother is Israeli (real Israeli not like us fake wannabees). We worship students in higher levels.

So I keep pressing forward here in the Promise Land. I have my good days and miserable days, but I honestly wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now. Even the worst of days when I cut my mouth on Hebrew, it rains, snows, or does whatever the hell it's doing outside now, all day, the South American guys and French girls laugh at me for attempting to butcher their own native tongues, the ulpan food is something survivors from Dachau wouldn’t touch, I'm sick, and I wait in line all day at the bank, post office, or health care services, but I am able to suffer here in Israel, and I am glad it's nowhere else.

Did I offend anyone with my article today? If not, no need to worry tomorrow is a new day. Please offer me feed back, or at least fed-ex some decent kosher food to Mountdew2891@aol.com

Shalomsky,

David

A Long, Tall Broke Back Mountain to Climb

So, I've enjoyed a nice afternoon of nothing but napping. Hebrew class was a monster this week. Yeah, I'm well aware that it was only my first week, but, it's a constant day in and day out struggle to grasp grammatical concepts and then properly implement them into everyday use. The lessons are entirely taught in Hebrew. We're discouraged from speaking in our native tongue, and since we, the students, speak 8 different languages, we usually try to rally behind Hebrew. Some sessions are easier than others; I still can’t yet distinguish between the various styles of present infinitive verbs, and my vocabulary is limited, but I am learning so much everyday. Conquering this language is like ascending Mt Everest, and I'm not even in Nepal yet. I try to remain patient; I've been here before with studying French, but that was the same alphabet. Although some students have more or even less knowledge of Hebrew, I keep reminding myself that every student is in the same boat, and we're still a float.

So, speaking of painful mountains, Heath Ledger died the other day. What the hell? We were just beginning to really enjoy this young, talented actor when he was mysteriously taken from us prematurely. I hate to be cynical (it's my dam blog so I can be) but despite what the initial toxicology reports show, this reeks of a suspicious drug overdose. I wonder if Jimmy Hendrix, River Phoenix, John Belushi, Anna-Nicole, Chris Farley, or Jim Morrison will be attending the funeral later next week? Oh, shit, they're dead too! At the risk of Ledger's death caused by natural means, in which case I will eat a serious helping of crow, I am saddened but desensitized. When will our young, gifted artists learn to control their urges? The fast-paced celebrity life-style which engulfs many doesn’t need to define Hollywood. For every Lindsay Lohen or Paris Hilton (not that either of those women are very talented), there's an Elijah Wood, Reese Witherspoon or other extremely professional prodigy who understands the importance of acting or singing/song writing. Acting is a lost art form. During the Renaissance /Shakespearean period, people acted out of love for the theatre not fast cars, easy sex, hard drugs, or bright limelight.

It was a cold, rainy week, but today was bright and sunny. We celebrated Tub' Shevat, the new year for trees, earlier in the week. We ate a lot of fruit, planted some floors, and participated in a sedar. It's not the most religious holiday in Israel, or the Jewish world, but it's important to show an appreciation for G-d's natural beauty. Tomorrow is Shabbat, and I'll celebrate it with some friends in Jerusalem proper. It's been a long, difficult week, and I look forward to resting.

Have a great weekend, Shabbat Shalom, and stay warm wherever you are!

David

A Failure to Communicate and "Buster" a Move

So, while the biggest game of the season is on the line right now, I am stuck in my dorm room trying to speak to the Dell computer company, via SKYPE which is the greatest technological advancement since the electronic tooth brush (Thank you Brian, you crazy bastard for introducing me), on why the Dell computer company has erroneously charged my credit card twice for the notebook I purchased 2 months ago. People complain about the red tape in Israel, but I can't escape the ridiculous pitfalls of shoddy American customer service.

Since I moved into my dorm at Ulpan Etzion last week, life has been very fast paced. I am finally situated in the posh, Crown Plaza accommodations known as communal living. Surprisingly, the food isn’t that bad (Maya keeps us entertained at meals) and the social interaction has been amazing. Thanks to our South American delegation, we seem to have a hamesiba or fiesta every night. I have never met so many sexy Latina American chicas before. I am slowly learning to salsa. You can look for me next season on the Israeli version of dancing with the stars. I have bonded with many of the Americans and especially the motley crew of British gals; you don’t speak English properly, but I still love you all the same. My roommate is the second coming of Renaldo, but his name is Tito and he's from Chile. Needless to say football (soccer) is KING around here. It's a good thing I played baseball for 10 years, or I might actually be relevant on the football field. My ulpan class (Hebrew lessons) is not too overwhelming so I don’t fall asleep out of boredom and not too challenging that I need to ask, "What does that mean in English?" a million times. We have a crazy, eclectic group of young French, American, Brazilian, Italian, Ethiopian, South African, British, Argentinean, and Russian Jews. I have never been so proud to be Jewish (except when Dana International won the Eurovision contest representing Israel a few years ago) than during my brief time here at Ulpan Etzion. We have come from all over the World: industrialized countries, famine stricken, and economically oppressed lands to receive Israeli citizenship. Olim Chadashim are the future of Israel and the Jewish people, and I am glad to play a small role.

Several of us went to shul for Friday night services and the meal at the ulpan was nice. We sang all the familiar Shabbat melodies and afterwards celebrated Ezra's 23rd birthday. On Saturday, I davened (prayed) with my face comfortably planted on my pillow. When I finally awoke, I had lunch, a walk, Havdalah (the ending ceremony of Shabbat), dinner, and than I did homework. The internet was down Motsei Shabbat (after Shabbat) so to all 5 of my loyal readers I must apologize. I will try to publish posts sooner in the future, but please remember this is Israel and nothing works: early, on time, after 4 P.M. on Thursday, or with any degree of high efficiency. It feels like it’s about 30 below inside, Qassams continue to rain down on the Negev, the bathrooms flood, every Israeli speaks English to us (even those olim who don’t know English), many of us haven’t registered for national health care, some of us are poorer than dirt, the laundry machines are always occupied, but life in Israel couldn’t be any better. I’ve never gone without this long by this much while maintaining such a big, satisfied grin on my face.

High highes and low lows

I'm waiting here inside the office to Ulpan Etzion in what feels like the Jewish United Nations. I hear Russian, French, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Dutch, Serbian (I didn't even think Jews lived there anymore), and Hebrew. We the anglo speaking population are fairly-well represented between Canada, the United States (many from London, Leeds, and Manchester), England, Ireland, Scotland (2 Jews from Glasgow), New Zealand, South Africa, and several from Australia. I requested a roommate who doesn't speak English, whoever he will be, he hasn't arrived yet. My mother would be ever so proud of me; I just came back from linen shopping. Now, I've never shopped for linen. Hell, I don't ever know what size the bed coverings needed to be, but I found something that didn't look too girly and was well priced. I arrived early, felt with all the paper work, took my Hebrew test, and now I'm almost ready to relax. We have a very interesting array of young Jews here, and I'm excited for our ulpan session.

Yesterday was a near perfect day. I woke up at 1230 in the afternoon, went to the bank and set up online banking, an ATM card, then waited at the post office to validate my national insurance card. Afterwards, I met up with another old friend from Boston, Elyssa. She's doing well, heavily engrossed within rabbinic studies. I missed her a lot. We used to fight a lot, but I think we've both become more tame over the last 3 years. In the evening, I attended a play entitled "Matchless" which was a series of 4 comical acts on dating, love, and relationships. I found myself laughing at loud at the familiar humerous pitfalls of dating and love.

Tomorrow, more registration, ice breakers, and maybe we'll learn some Hebrew!

L'hitarot,

David

studying vs living and forever frozen

I hate Americans. Actually, allow me to clarify. I hate loud, drunk, immature high school, college students who make life a living hell for Israel and us ex-Americans living in Israel. Over the past few weeks, young American Jews have embarked on Birthright trips all over Israel during their college winter break. I myself participated on a Birthright Israel trip a few years, which helped foster my love for eretz Yisrael and greater Zionism. We partied it up spring break style during that trip, but we never engaged in some of the activities I've seen some of these students and young adults commit within the last week. Now, I fondly remember my college days. If it wasn't for all the pictures I took, G-d knows I would only have dazed, fuzzy memories of Beer pong, strip-poker, and the Sunday morning walk of shame. However, I never welshed out on a bar tap or got so drunk that strangers need to call me a cab out of concern. Some of the younger students are really young Yeshiva (Jewish academy) students just out of American and European high schools. I never drank in high school; I made up for lost time in college though. When you travel abroad, you are an ambassador of your country. Your behavior is under constant scrutiny by the locals. You want to get blitzed beyond belief, fine but don't be surprised if the neighborhood pub wont serve you or your friends the next night after you recover. Over the years, the international community has learned that American youth like to drink, listen to loud music, and than leave the locals to clean up their mess. This is just a small part of why the world hates us; we also ruined Iraq, but minor details.

As I mentioned, many of these walking, drunk zombies are religious yeshiva students which I find very interesting. If emma (mom) and abba (dad) sent me to some far off, poorly supervised, program where I'm on my own for the first time, than I would go hog wild. These are suppose to be nice, religious Jewish boys engrossed in Mishna (commentary of the Torah) study. Many of these students have a superiority complex about their relationship with Judaism. It's as if they have a monopoly on G-d's love. I can't be a true believer because I dont spend all day in yeshiva learning about Halacha (Jewish law) even if they spend all night drinking. I admire the religious, but sometimes they drive me crazy. I had a 30 minute conversation with an old friend the other day. He's an ex-American, Orthodox Jew living in Israel. I mentioned how much exhausting fun I had watching the Patriots defeat the Jaguars between 3-6:30 AM the other day. He congratulated the hometown team, but told me to not waste too much time on hobbies. Apparently, anytime not spent studying Torah, is a waste of energy. Now, this individual is a nice guy, but he's very skeptical even cynical of the outside secular world. He only values Torah. He spends very little time reading outside news because he feels as though he can't trust the news agencies. He isnt concerned with music, culture, art, social events. According to him, the secular world is a corrupt, cesspool of perversion. You only trust what you know, and the only thing we know is the Torah. I always thought people could be trusted after a probationary trial period. G-d makes us neither good nor evil, but neutral with the capacity to chose our holiness or evilness. This guy spend almost every living moment studying. As far as I've known him, he's always only reading, praying, or studying various religious texts. I am envious of his knowledge and devotion to Judaism. To be honest, I wished some of his habits rubbed off on me, but I could never view the world as he does. I grew up in the secular world. I was taught to read various newspapers, enjoy music, art, sports, food, and the company of good people. What kind of world are we living in if you can't trust anyone? It's okay to trust G-d, but not His creation? The ultra-orthodox world digs their heads in the sand (or the Torah) while the outside world around them is forever changing. We can't ignore technology, politics, fitness, woman's rights among other important social causes for traditional ghetto values. We can take the goodness from the haolam goyim (the non-Jewish world) and mix it with our Jewish values. Besides, dont you think G-d sits back with a nice glass of Brandy and enjoys some Mozart after a long day of work?

So, I'm freezing my ass off, wasting more non-Torah time watching the Giants-Cowboys game at Mike's Place in Jerusalem. I might as well be in New York with all these crazy Brooklyn Jews screaming for Tony Romo's head on a platter. I understand New England will experience a blizzard today and tomorrow. The weather is amazingly frigid here even though we average temperatures in the 50's. I have never been this bone-chilling cold, this long before in my life. The problem is that NOTHING NOWHERE has heat. The hostels, restaurants, synagogues, and the homes don't use heat. It's incredibly expensive so Israelis just learn to freeze, and than in the summer, they sweat. Like I said, it's not even that cold out, it's just cold enough everywhere.

Please, feel free to send comments and winter gloves to Mountdew2891@aol.com

Shavua tov,

David

Hail to the Chief

As I sit here in my pajamas, pigging out on a jar of Nutella and a half eaten loaf of challa, I have mixed emotions about President Bush's visit to Israel. Like many far greater presidents before him, Bush attempts to make one last feeble push for peace in this area of the world. Thanks to former president Clinton, who came the closest to a peace deal back in 99-00, Bush actually has a framework to use. Now, I'm not going to bash Bush in this article. There has never been a bigger supporter of Israel in the White House, than this current leader of the free world. My U.S. domestic concerns can and will be saved for another day; what I worry about is how US foreign policy affects Israel. Bush would love a Camp David legacy like that of Jimmy Carter. Hell, I'd love to see it too. However, there are some major and perhaps insurmountable obstacles to overcome in the Middle East, and in a short 2 page post, I will address and solve the issues at hand. Who needs Condi Rice when you have me?

Yesterday, Bush said he was confident a Palestinian state would exist by the end of 2008. If he knows something we don’t know, which I seriously doubt, he should share his Magic 8 Ball with the rest of the world. The Palestinians may very well want peace, I believe it too, but they're not ready to make peace concessions. I hear Olmert mention painful compromise all the time. We withdrew from Gaza, and now the families of Sedrot live under constant fear of Qassam missile attacks everyday. If that wasn’t a painful sacrifice, talk to the 8,000 residents of Neve Dekalim and Kush Katif who were violently uprooted from their homes by the I.D.F (Israel defense forces) back in Aug of 2005. Soon, we will witness more horrible scenes of Jewish soldiers forcing fellow Jews from their homes in Hevron, Gush Etzion, and Ariel. The Israeli government encouraged Jewish settlement development in the territories gained after the 67 War, and now they want to re-nag on their stance. If Olmert wants to give back parts of Arab- East Jerusalem, than I'm okay with it. Those neighborhoods never felt Israeli and were most definitely not Jewish. What I refuse to live without is Israeli control of the religious sites like the Kotel (Western Wall). There will be hell to pay if Olmert gives up one inch of the Jewish Quarter. The religious Zionist right-wingers, which I do not belong to as I am a moderate who believes in peaceful means of protest, will make what happened to Rabbin look like child's play. I fear for Olmert's life if he dare gives up on Jewish Jerusalem. Regardless, Israelis are used to painful sacrifice either through war or peace negotiations.

What I don’t see are concessions from Hamas who still refuses to acknowledge reality: Israel is a Jewish state, she's here to stay, and we will never go back to the non-defendable borders before June of 1967. I've talked to so many civilians and veterans from the 6 Day War, back in June of 1967, and they said time and time again, "I honestly thought we were going to witness and experience a second Holocaust, 20 years after the first." Hamas, Hezbollah, and the rest of the fundamental Islamic fascists think Israel is just a temporary house guest keeping the fire warm for when the Arabs return. They have never acknowledged the Jewish right to a self-determined homeland, even though the useless United Nations voted and passed such a measure almost 60 years ago. We're not going anywhere. Far more civilized societies like Egypt, Turkey, and Jordan have acknowledged our existence, established diplomatic ties, and created lucrative commerce. How does one deal with a partner who refuses to accept your existence?

Abu Mazan, the President of Fattah and our pathetic, sniffling, powerless partner in peace, can't let go of the Naqba, the great tragedy of 1948, when Israel received statehood. This sorry individual is the only "reasonable" politician Bush and Olmert can negotiate with, but he's confused as well. Palestinians in the West Bank can't return to Israel. This may have been their home at one time, but they have no future here, and Israel will have no future if the Arabs are granted the right to return. Israel will lose its Jewish majority if she’s overrun by 10 and 15 family Arab households. The whole purpose of a modern day Israel is a Jewish run state. If we didn’t have a state to call our own, governed by us, and welcoming Jews from all over the world, than another Shoah, or Holocaust, would always loom on the horizon. NEVER AGAIN. Now, I know it was painful for Palestinians to be forced out of their homes, but the future for Palestinians is a homeland in the West Bank. Both sides should be committed to creating a peacefully two-state solution. As I mentioned previously, the last and greatest chance for a peace deal came in the fading moments of former President Clinton's administration. Former Israeli Prime Minister, and current defense minister, was willing to give back 93% of the West Bank to Yassar Arafat, and it still wasn't enough. Do the Palestinians really want peace? I think they do, but they've never shown it. To hell with Hamas, you can’t rationalize with those lunatics anyway. They'll get what they deserve: Nothing.

There are many losers in this struggle, but who says we can't change the attitude around here? Why can’t all sides get their piece of the pie? In December of 2006, I visited Belfast, Northern Ireland, and there lies a model of peace. What can we as Jews learn from the Protestant, British struggle against the Northern Irish Catholics? We can learn a lot. The answer is the economy, stupid. When people realize there is far more money to be made in peace (just look around Belfast and you can begin to see housing complexes and business beginning to enjoy the Irish economic boom) than there ever was in war, that’s when both sides put down their guns. Life in Gaza is a hell-hole; there is nothing worth living for when you don’t have adequate medical supplies, an educational system, or a functioning economy. Gaza is where most of the suicide bombers, during the intifada (Arabic for uprising) came from, not the West Bank which offered people a much better way of life. If Israel, the E.U., the United States, and even the useless United Nations, want peace, they must isolate Gaza, which Hamas has done for us, and invest, invest, invest in the West Bank. If Fattah and Palestinians want Israel to pull out from beyond the security fence, than Fattah must actively and willingly stop terrorism against Jewish settlers and the state of Israel. It’s a classic example of quid pro quo. If you stop terrorist attacks and give up your unreasonable request to return to your previous homes from over 60 years ago, than we pull out of most, if not all lands east of the barrier fence, and invest in your economy. There lies the true road map to peace. Now, that was simple.

Tomorrow I will have all the answers to the genocide in Darfur and a quick guide to peace in Kosovo.

Shalom Habeit (Shalom in the home)

David

Isreality

For those of you who have forgotten where exactly I am in Israel or what I am doing with my life these days, I have been exploring the entire country looking at various masters/post college programs. At times, I have been impressed with the international M.B.A programs but disappointed at the costs and certain language stipulations. The general rule of thumb is if the program is in ivrit (Hebrew) it’s totally covered by the student authority since I am an oleh chadash (new immigrant). If the program is in English or any other language, than the program is only covered up to 3,000 a year by the student authority. Keep in mind the price of education is drastically less in Israel, as in most parts of the world, than compared to the cost in the United States. Most international business or law schools use English as the prominent language since many foreign and Israeli students speak English, want to learn English, or expect to use English as a global marketing tool.

Although Hebrew University is in a great location, Jerusalem, the only school I saw was Rothberg which struck me as one of those hippy-dippy Judaic studies departments for study abroad undergrads. Tel Aviv was ok. The international M.B.A was decent, the school has adequate student services, and I’d have a lot of fun in Tel-Aviv, but I still wasn’t impressed. Haifa University was disappointing, other than the drop-dead gorgeous view over looking the Mediterranean Sea and the foothills to the Golan, the presentation was lacking. Ben Gurion University, located in Be’er Sheva, might have been a real find, but the administration refused to speak to us in English. Now, you won’t find anybody who wants to learn Hebrew more than I do. I think classes should be taught in Hebrew, but the freakin tour of the school, where impressionable American students are meeting faculty, should be in English. They could have spoken English and won us over with their culturally rich student body and snazzy city, but their stubbornness came off poorly. Besides, Be’er Sheva is in the beautiful Negev (desert), and although there is a vibrant student life, I personally find the city is in the middle of nowhere.

I felt Bar Ilan was the finest public school out of the entire bunch, and I could see myself studying in their international M.B.A. program. IDC, don’t ask me what it stands for, offered by far the most interesting Master’s programs with the best student services. Located in a beautifully, newly built campus in Herzilya, IDC had the usual M.B.A’s in English but 2 unique Master’s in Counter-Terrorism/Homeland security and diplomacy/international strategy. The Master’s degrees in governmental tactics and policy are internationally focused and are only 13 months long! The campus is brand, spanking new with state of the art computer labs, and I even think housing is available on campus. I noticed many Americans, Israelis, and Europeans meandering about on campus which added to the cultural diversity. As I sit here in a Jerusalem coffee shop, my mind races with the creative possibilities of what a Master’s in counter-terrorism and homeland security, combined with an English, Hebrew, and French background, could offer in these highly volatile and uncertain times. PATRIOT ACT!!!!

A quick little anti-Semitic story to tide my adoring fans over: I was leaving my program and checking out of my hotel on Saturday, after a rainy Shabbat in Jerusalem, when I noticed dozen and dozens of Russian speaking Christians running around the hotel. One older woman was flashing like 300 US dollars. I looked at her, not to be noisy, but to kind of warn her against flashing that kind of money around. She saw me glance at her money, took out one of the biggest, fattest wooden cross, shoved her money away, and give me the worst don’t steal my money you dirty Jew look ever. You Borat lovers would have laughed so hard.

On Sunday, I woke up at 7am , prayed at the Western Wall (always a very emotional experience) and then had the craziest day in a long time. Please, keep in mind that Sunday's are regular business days in Israel. Afterwards, I taxied over to the Nefesh B'Nfesh offices way over in Western Jerusalem for my Teudat Zehut (Israeli ID card), bused back to the Mercantile Bank (Will Smith in the Pursuit of Happiness style), opened an account and probably got ripped off. Don't worry, you're not Israeli until the banks take advantage of you. It's part of the absorption process. In the afternoon, I went to the Lishkut Haguiys (army draft board), but they told me to come back when my Hebrew was better (You can relax mom and dad; I haven't gone all Full Metal Jacket just yet). In the evening, I purchased a cell phone plan which took over an hour. This was by far the most frustrating task of the day, but the clerk was really cute, very helpful, and she spoke English fairly well. At night, I met Suzy, an old friend from Boston, for dinner. I haven't seen her in over 2 years. I was delighted to hear her exciting tales of life in rabbinical school here in Jerusalem.

As previously mentioned, I have a new cell phone number, and just like the army, I signed my life away to a 3 year mobile phone agreement. Feel free to email me if you're interested in my number. I know you're just dying to pay international long-distance rates!

I spoke French a lot today, my Hebrew is getting better, and slowly my English is worsening.

Tomorrow President Bush visits us!!

L'hitarot,

David

Smoke em if you gottem

After returning to Israel for only one week, I have reeducated myself to the great love foreigners, or more importantly non-Americans, have for the art of smoking. In the United States, as you know, you can’t smoke anywhere. New city, state-wide, and eventually national laws have outlawed smoking in most public places. What’s the new ordinance now? You can smoke in your basement with the lights out from 12:45-3:30 am and only if your neighbor doesn’t complain and narc you out to law enforcement.

I applaud anti-smoking measures; second hand smoke has been proven to kill, and reeking of smoke has been proven to kill my chances of scoring. I distinctly remember accompanying a friend to the hospital in France only to see the attending doctor light up a tasty Lucky right in the middle of the emergency room. This was only 5 years ago, and I think even French doctors received the memo on the nasty side effects of smoking. However, my short time in Israel has conjured up post traumatic images of smoggy, seedy bars where every Jacques, Pierre, or now Aviv and Shmuel, ask, “Do you have a light?” I’m convinced fetuses smoke in Israel; they come out of the womb with a pack of Misty Slims needing matches. The problem has become so important that the Knesset (Israeli parliament) recently outlawed smoking in public places, but just like every other law in this country, enforcement is lacking. In the 1980’s and early 1990’s, the U.S. legislature aggressively went after the tobacco companies and their ridiculous powerful lobbies by brain-washing an entire generation, me being one of them, to the health risks of smoking. Growing up, I can remember aunts, uncles, cousins, even my mother for many years smoked, and then slowly but surely they all quit for health, financial, or common sense reasons. I wonder when will Israelis realize this? If an Iranian nuke doesn’t finish us off, the good old two packs a day habit will.

fantasy becoming reality while real hope is dashed

So apparently two earth shattering events have occurred since my aliyah. Benazir Bhutto was brutally slaughtered in a political assassination, and I won our fantasy football league. Frankly, I don’t know which event is more amazing. I suppose my victory is more remarkable since I have never remotely won anything in fantasy league history, while Bhutto seemed to have a bull’s-eye on her back ever since she reentered Pakistani politics several months ago.


Bhutto, in life and death, will be seen as yet another tragic, misunderstood individual who was probably taken away from us far too early. Her lists of accomplishments are not only commendable but worthy of imitation. She was the first woman ever elected prime minister in a Muslim country. However, her destiny was well paved; Bhutto's father was prime minister of Pakistan in the 70's before he too was executed. Hmm..Do I see a trend here?


Well, Israel and the United States have seriously lost a deep friend in Bhutto. You can add another notch in the global Muslim extremist's belt. Things have gotten so bad in Pakistan; many Pakistanis are looking to make spring break in Afghanistan a permanent settlement. Elections, remember when Musharraf promised free and fair elections, seem a distant memory and an empty promise. This timely assassination plays right into Musharraf''s ever increasingly weak democratic hand and Al Qaeda’s fanatical ideology and world-wide jihad. Bhutto was probably the only real politician Pakistan had; she was also the only real opposition to the sad current state of affairs. Martial law hasn't seemed to quell the need for democracy. The will of the Pakistani people will be tried greatly these next few weeks and months. Hopefully a true heir will emerge and Musharraf's regime can finally be challenged via fair elections. The U.S.-Pakistani relationship has been tumultuous at best. Musharraf's inability to crack down on Al Qaeda has rendered his services useless and ineffective. We needed him at a very vulnerable hour in American foreign policy, and he failed us. He was more worried about his public approval from the powerful cross border, gun slinging AL Qaeda than appealing to the sensible moderates within his country and fighting terrorism. Now, he serves Bin Laden lunch everyday and thanks him for it.

In exceedingly more pressing issues, I have been crowned the champion of this year's Tom Brady's illegitimate children fantasy football league. I would love to thank Chris Palmer and Clinton Portis respectively for helping me out tremendously. Your commitment to our team is well appreciated. I would also like to thank Seattle's defense for scoring -2 points in the Super Bowl game. Had the Seahawks earned a measly +3 points, I would have lost. Borrowing a line from Dennis Green, "They were who we thought they were." Whatever that means. I will be looking to collect, somehow 5,600 miles away, my fantasy earnings, and rest assure I will fly home, find you, and wreak havoc on all of you sorry deadbeats, Mossad (Israeli C.I.A.) style if I am not paid.

Peace in the Middle East,

David