Footloose and Fancy Free with Sushi!

Well, welcome to another Yom Reshion (Sunday, or literally first day). Classes were fine today. I keep plugging away on the future and past tense. I have resolved myself to begin a flash card collection or every word and every verb I learn; it could be interesting. After lunch, various spokesmen and women visited the ulpan to discuss the exciting volunteer options in the community. I decided to help make Mishloach Manot (food baskets) during Purim http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purim for needy families.

The last 2 weeks have had some particular points of interest worth noting. Last Thursday, I had my first Valentine's Day outside of the U.S. since I studied in France. Well, those who can love do, and those who can't speed date. My friend from the Merkez ( a quasi Jewish absorption center) begged me to join her speed dating event since I was A) American and B) a male, I fit the necessary requirements. Apparently there were a lot of American women in attendance and not very many men had signed up. I wasn't promised anything except all the wine I could drink. It's a good thing there was wine because it was the longest 1.5 hours of my life. Although I'm no super model, I must have met every over-weight Orthodox girl Jerusalem had to offer. I found the entire evening rather amusing. I wonder why Jews participate in speeding or other dating services like J-Date in Israel? I mean I have enjoyed some marginal success off of J-date, but that was back in the United State of Goyim. How does one have trouble finding nice young, old, men, women, gay, straight, single, Jews here? It's friggin Israel. That's like trying to find a Knick's fan at Madison Square Garden; it shouldn't be very difficult. Although the Knick's suck this year, so maybe in retrospect it would be difficult, but you understand my point. The entire country is crawling with Jews. You can't walk to the supermarket without accidentally tripping over a minyan (10 adult male Jews).


Shabbat was the usual calm 25 hours at Ulpan Etzion. I have noticed a few interesting and annoying tendencies among my ulpan students during Shabbat. Every Friday night and Saturday morning we make Kiddush (we bless the Sabbath's holiness over a cup of wine). Traditionally, you're not supposed to eat until Kiddush (the blessing over the wine) and Hamotzi (the blessing over the Challhot/ 2 loaves of bread) have been made. Now, I don’t get too angry at those who don’t know any better. Some of us are ethnically Jewish while others of us are more religiously Jewish. It's important to remember that Judaism doesn’t make a distinction between those ethnically Jewish by blood, those who converted, those who are outwardly observant and those who have never been to a synagogue before in their lives; in short a Jew is a Jew regardless of their personal story. However, I do become upset when there are people who dam well know you dont eat before kiddush and hamotzi have been made, and they sit down and eat right in front as to say, " I dont give a shit about your stupid traditions." Well moron, they're your traditions too, and you can feel free to honor them anytime you understand and respect our faith well enough. This leads me to discuss what Israel is and what Judaism means to me, but I'll spare you that rant for another time.


Last week it snowed on Wed, and unlike last month's blizzard, we only had classes delayed until 11AM when only 7 students showed up to class. On Tuesday, I would have made my emma (mother) very happy when I finally had my hair cut. Now in Israel, just as the U.S., I only carry credit card on me. Even before a single strain of hair was cut off of my head, I reached for my credit card and the stylist politely informed that I could easily pay tomorrow since the machine was down. Where in the world can you pay for a hair cut the day after?? Later that evening, Gersand and I went out for the most delicious sushi dinner you could imagine. It was a pleasant change in our diets as we are used to the prison food at Ulpan Etzion. I lost count of how many maki rolls I ate.


On Wed, we saw a movie titled Hesder which describes the trials and tribulations of a religious unit in the army. Most soliders, like most Israelis, are secular and Judaism is just a distant after thought for them. Religious young men receive deferments or flat out exemptions from serving due to their observant status. Instead of serving the usual mandatory 2 1/2 years, they attend yeshivot (religious academies). Some brave and well-rounded individuals chose to balance their religious studies with military obligation even though it's not necessary. I must say that I admire their personal obligation to country with their individual need to learn more about G-d.


Last Thursday, several Ulpan Etzion students, including myself, attended the annual Jerusalem Winter Ball. We dressed up, ate well, drank a ton, and danced the night away all to benefit homeless teenagers. I took Gemma, my darling Londoner, as my date, and we had the absolute time of our lives. I was a bit of a dancing machine, and anyone who knows how I act at weddings, proms, Bar Mitzvahs, or Dancing with the Star's tryouts is well aware of my swing, hip-hop, and Charleston moves. Needless to say, I can cut a rug in a tight situation. I met a lot of interesting individuals; there were many dati (religious) couples and singles. My favorite awkward situation of the night was seeing this one rather young, attractive, woman bumping and grinding like her sluty life depended on it out on the dance floor. I started dancing with her, and as I grabbed her hand, in a polite non-threatening manner, she screamed that she was shomer nagia (doesn’t touch members of the opposite sex). Well, it's hard to believe that the way she was dressed in her hot, low cut number and screw me heals. Regardless, the food was delicious, the drinks filled with alcohol, and the music didn’t stop until they kicked us out close to 4 AM. I haven't had that much fun since my sister's wedding. Shear madness!!

On Friday, I recovered from the Winter Ball and finally met my adopted Shabbat family for dinner. Matt, originally from LA is a massage therapist and his wife, Lewly is a lovely stay at home mother, originally from Buenos Aires, Argentina. Remember, half of Israelis are from somewhere else in the World. Together, they have two of the cutest little girls, one 2 months old, and the other is 2 year old. The mother speaks, Spanish, Hebrew, and English to the oldest, and the litttle chica understands all three languages so well. I was jealous.

So it's been awhile friends and family. I've been in Israel almost 2 months now, and I'm starting to really feel at home here. Don’t you be strangers! Email me with all your lovely words. Attached below is my brand new Facebook link: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506951945 where you can see some pictures of me studying. If you scroll down to posted items, you can see the J-Ball pictures as well.

Shavua tov (Have a great week)

David

Motsei Shabbat Blues and Pussy Galore

I am trying to sit down after supper for some work. There are so many pleasant distractions around here raging from football, taking a nap, reading a book, socializing, and I suppose homework too. I've been trying to sit down all week and write, but one event after another has kept me busy. Yesterday I finally went to the canyon (mall) for some Hebrew literature books.

Earlier in the week, I was just so physically exhausted, and I couldn’t explain why. I didn’t receive much sleep last week and perhaps it finally caught up with me. I find that the week really drags after Shabbat. I feel a real spiritual drag when Shabbos ends on Saturday night. Perhaps I am so used to not having work or school on Sunday. The Israeli weekend hasn't caught up with me yet. It's great having all day Friday off, but I want my Sunday's back too!

So it's about time I write about the incredible feline problem Israel has. During the British occupation in between the World Wars, apparently Israel had a serious rodent problem. The English imported thousands of cats to address the issue, although we no longer have vermin, a few thousands cats have gradually multiplied into hundreds of thousands of loud, annoying, occasionally diseased, but often cute cats. As I sit here typing, the computer room has been infiltrated by the most beautiful yet annoying black cat. These cats cry and scream for hours especially when they're hungry or in heat. We could have used some serious public service announcement from good old Bob Barker in this part of the world because most Israelis just don’t care about the insane over breading of cats.

Last week we saw a film that concentrated on the 2000 Israeli pullout from Lebanon. The film focused on several Israel soldiers saga pertaining to the final days of our occupation in extreme southern Lebanon. For those of you who don’t know, Israel occupied southern Lebanon between 1982-2000 as a means to combat the PLO (Palestinian Liberation Organization) and then eventually against Hezbollah from using southern Lebanon as a launching pad for attacks into northern Israel. The movie shows how even the hardest of Israeli soldiers can question their mission and their country's objectives in the on-going war in international terrorism.

After the film one of our residents, (we'll call her Patty Peacenik) said, and I quote, "I want to go to Lebanon so that I may help the Lebanese people and create an open dialogue with Hezbollah." My chin almost dropped when I heard this. How fuckin stupid do you need to be and or want to be to visit Lebanon? Do you really want to be friends with terrorists who have publicly vowed to destroy the very state we have decided to stake our future on? How do you intend to arrive in Beirut with your Israeli passport or your American passport filled with Israeli stamps and visas? Last time I checked Israelis and even non-citizens who have Israelis stamps were forbidden entry into a half dozen of Arab/Muslim countries including Lebanon. Also, Israel has disallowed all of its citizens from entering the Hezbollah controlled and Syrian backed terrorist state. These bastards want me dead because I am an Israeli, Jew, American, supporter of Westernized culture, free trade and democracy. Patty Peace At All Costs wants to give back everything we have fought and died for over the last 60 years for a peace that still isn’t guaranteed. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to vote for relinquishing even one inch of land before those sons of bitches disarm, control their heathen savage animalistic behavior and curtail rocket attacks. I’m not just talking about Hezbollah but those crazy jihad lovers to the West, Gaza’s Palestinians. The 1960's ended a long time, and sadly the global fight against radical Islam started not that long ago. I am not interested in sitting down with criminals, passing the hash pipe, and singing Kumbaya. I don’t want to hug these less than civilized individuals, nor do I want to give them my children’s future land or sense of security. We all want peace but at what costs? Hezbollah doesn’t want peace, and they most certainly don’t want to recognize a Jewish Israel, not at least anytime soon. If we negotiate with mass murderers, we weaken this state. I don’t know when the Patty Peaceniks of the world will understand this, but I hope it’s before they give up everything that makes this state so amazing, so Jewish, so ours.

Misplace a cell phone, gain a friend

I must apologize for the lack of blog entries lately. Life here at good old Ulpan Etzion has been hectic. During one of our snowball fights, I think I lost my cell phone. I have since found it, but for anyone trying to reach me, all is well, and there is no need to worry. On Thursday, several of us went out to Izen (a loud, obnoxious bar) for the 3rd and final time. I can’t stand that place. Yes the music is fine, but the drinks are ridiculously expensive, there is no place to dance, every sweaty disgusting Israeli guy tries picking up on your girlfriends, and the walk back is too far. In short, Izen is where fun goes to die. I spent a very quiet and restful Shabbat at the ulpan. Since a few of us are shomer-Shabbos ( we don’t do any form of work) there aren’t always a lot of activities for us. We played UNO (yes that annoying juvenile card game with the numbers and colors) for about 3 hours on Friday night. We just chatted and made fun of each other’s countries: England, France, and the United States.

Saturday night was an interesting night. Samuel, the other Boston guy, left his cartise (credit card) at Izen on Thursday night and we returned trying to hopefully find the card. We stayed for a drink, and one drink turned into 3 which become 7 and so forth. I found it odd that so many Israelis go out on Saturday night when they have to work in the morning. Samuel and I spoke some Hebrew. We had a nice, chill, no drama evening trying to pick up Israeli women.

On Monday, I battled the ulpan bitch, who shall remain nameless. Apparently I had yet to pay Ulpan Etzion’s rent fee. Life is crazy busy here. All the banks and businesses were closed during the great blizzard last week, and I don’t always have time to stop what I’m doing. Needless to say, I didn’t appreciate her tactless, Israeli way of communication, and I told her to kindly tone down her rhetoric. I spent most of Monday running around, trying to finalize my payment. I even left class 20 minutes early and arrived at lunch late. After she received my payment, we all kissed and made up. I refuse to be treated differently because I am an oleh chadash. Israelis wouldn’t dare expect other Israeli to run around like a fool. You’ll receive the money when I have the money and that’s only after my heater and toilet are working well and the food tastes better. Life is funny over here. There are 2 systems to live by: the official system which is supposed to be followed and the defacto, social system which trumps anything in writing. Nothing is finalized or edged in stone. One official from the governmental, bank, army, ulpan, or whatever agency might say one thing, and then tomorrow a different person says something completely different. Both aren’t true and sometimes both are correct. Who do you believe? Well, you learn to sift through the bullshit. Sometimes what’s in writing is golden while some other rules, laws, fees, or policies are negotiable. It makes for a complicated but never dull existence.

Hebrew classes are going very well this week. I am focused, as always, on learning verbs and slowly increasing my vocabulary. I have seen a slight but noticeable improvement in knowledge and even pronunciation. I really love most of the people here. I am distant from only a few groups: the Russians, external students (who study here but live outside the area), and Israelis who don’t live here at all. I feel as though I need to adventure out of the ulpan towards the city center more where I can speak more Hebrew with Israelis and explore all that the city has to offer.

The following is a true, but slightly non-kosher story.

Now, as previously noted, Ulpan Etzion is a very eclectic Hebrew learning institution where students from all backgrounds gather to absorb and assimilate into Israel society. I am about to sound like a complete snobbish, elitist asshole, but I have noticed that many people hale from slightly hmm less civilized societies where many Westernized customs don’t exist. Many residents here don’t understand proper dinning room etiquette (It’s never acceptable to ask for a glass of milk during a meat dinner, and on Shabbat!!) or washroom niceties. Case in point, the bathroom below us is disgusting. Several students haven’t been properly disposing of waste. I find urine on the toilet seats and fecal matter in the waste baskets all the time. I don’t have a clue who is doing this because apparently it’s a normal minhag (traditional custom) in Brazil, Russia, and Ethiopia. This needs to stop like yesterday. I never thought the day would occur when I needed to explain to grown men in 2008 that waste must be put into and flushed down the toilet. Most of us are civilized and rather cultural. I have met amazing individuals like Steven who was an optometrist in South Africa or Francisco who was a lawyer in Brazil. Recently I have begun talking to this really sweet French girl named Gersand who works with art.

I must just briefly express my appreciation but disappointment in the Super Bowl. Obviously, by now we all know that my beloved New England Patriots lost to the New York Giants. I was extremely impressed with the Giants defense. I think in the off-season we must invest in some younger, stronger, faster safeties, linebackers, nose-tackles, and cornerbacks. We didn’t play poorly but our defense let us done when we need it the most. Spring training is only 2 weeks away!!

Alright ladies and gents: Stay tuned because I have so much more I want to write about. I’ll try and post before Shabbat, but if not Shabbat Shalom.

David